Even in this; I don’t do things by halves!

Posted on November 11, 2012

OK folks here’s the story:
(Spare your jokes about my driving, they will be covered by the cops later in the story!)

Driving along Fountain (Hollywood) yesterday I was hit in the rear-end (T-boned) by an elderly gentleman in a heavy-ass-old-pimp style car!

The impact of his misjudged distance and speed causing me in my light-as-air Prius to spin out of control. After ricocheting off a taxi driving in the opposite direction, I crash into one parked car launching it onto the sidewalk and rendering it un-drivable.

Swerving to avoid oncoming traffic, I end up on the sidewalk taking DOWN two trees and the sides of parked cars, then to avoid the WALL swerved into another couple trees; yeah they’re all fire wood today! Ending all smashed up on every side sitting halfway across the road blocking one lane of traffic!
Before I even realized I’m now stopped, there’s a bunch of faces in my window all staring at me “SHIT lady!!! That was CRAZY!! Are you OK??!!” “Are you OK?”
“Yeah! I’m fine!!” Like it was no big deal, you know, like I’m in a multi-car-accident involving city property and shrubbery everyday!
“Yeah I’m fine” as I try to open my door… Um…

Cut to: a few stronger-men-than-me and my adrenaline-superpowers wrenching my drivers side door open in its crumpled state!

Scanning the scene, checking I didn’t hit anyone else, looking for the “blind” man that hit me and getting a first impression of the chaos created.
A gang of young men have run after the car that hit me preventing him from driving away… OK that’s that sorted… First crowd of do-gooders and lookyloos move on as the phone calls start up and the parked car owners start to appear.
I call 911. This is a fucking mess and I don’t want any doubt as to what happened. The 911 woman properly pisses me off with her rudeness and bedside manner; after I tell her I was involved in an accident, she asks

“is anyone hurt”

“not that I can tell”

“then why did you call 911?”

um…”I need the police to come as I’ve hit several cars and its a big mess blocking the road… ”

“is any city property damaged?”

“Well, I’ve knocked down a few trees, they might be city trees I guess…”

“OK, I’ll send someone right away!”

What?! Really?!! The city trees are what tipped it for you? The lovely 911 lady is asking me something but I am distracted by the appearance of the “escorted” driver that hit me… because I don’t answer right away, she starts yelling at me! Yep! She’s angry with me saying

“Ma’am!!! YOU CALLED 911!! ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!”

“UH!!! Yeah! I called 911 cuz I was just launched across a busy road and I thought maybe you were meant to HELP us??!! Didn’t realize I was supposed to be your new best-friend first!” (yep! I really said that).

Unmoved and unimpressed the 911 wicked-witch-of-the-west informs me that the police will be there sometime before the end of the next century but if we all leave before they arrive I must call 911 again… “will you one answering?” I ask.
The old boy who hit me starts off with his attempt to defend his responsibility… Oh no! You are not trying to blame the victim sir?! I clearly have enough presence of mind to NOT punch him straight between the eyes… But, I DO let rip and tell him to:

“check yourself Mr!!! I’m not trying to be angry at you!! Accidents happen and we all make bad calls sometimes… But you better not be trying to say this is my fault!!??? Really??!”

“Well you were driving too fast…” Lamely trying to hold his ground.

“What?! NOT fast enough since you hit me in the back end of my car!! Either that or you were driving faster!!”

“I didn’t see you…”

“You did see me… You hesitated when you saw me coming then just didn’t wait long enough for me pass… Please stop trying to BS this… YOU hit ME!!”

Now I would like to say, for the record, that after the initial BS attitude this geezer turned into a bit of an OK guy who was showing some signs of feeling bad about it all, after seeing person after person (including the other car owners) come and check if I was alright.

There’s a moment when the adrenaline rush dips for the first time and anger rages, tears start flowing uncontrollably in pure anger and frustration. Of course for someone like me with an aversion to people “crrryyyinnn” over spilled-milk; i carry on as if my face isn’t being soaked by salty drops falling from my eyes… this is maybe a little disconcerting to the onlookers as I continue to navigate the situation buzzed, dazed and confused and now blubbering too! Crazy lady with “Joker” mad-face killing trees at 4-oclock!

The owner of the the first parked car shows up with the spirit of a Zen master! He sees the crushed metal that once was his shiny new car and come over to see who did it… meets me and asks

“are you OK?”

” I am so sorry about your car!” I reply through Lips now covered in snot and mascara.

This bloke is a beacon of calm though out the next couple hours, every now and again commenting “at least no one was hurt” and “it will all be taken care of by the insurance” and “next time I hope we get to meet under better circumstances”.

The taxi driver whose vehicle I skimmed (and when I say “skimmed” I mean in comparison to the other car), exchanges information with me, telling me he saw the whole thing; so he is going to stick around and make sure the police get his statement too. His eyewitness account is the mirror of mine and so I am genuinely grateful for this man’s mega coolness.

The owner of the second parked car turns out to be ultra cool by the end too… I was lucky! My belief in the fact that basically human-beings are essentially “good” was re-enforced interacting with these characters. We are pretty much bonded by the time the police show up… an hour later.

Mad amounts of people stopped to stare at the carnage, as if the traffic wasn’t slowed down enough, as it was, by my car blocking the one lane!

The first police-officers arrive on the scene serious and ready to get to business… doesn’t take long for that thin veneer to be wiped away. As they hear the account of what happened and see the strewn debris and chaos, there are the indications of slight smirks and smiles starting to show.

The male officer asks me if I was walking along the sidewalk when it happened, I start laughing, the female officer who is taking my information at that point tells him

“she’s the one who did all this” pointing to the fallen trees and smashed cars.

“Oh! WOW! You the Hulk’s sister? Smashing up the place”

“Really?! I was driving that car; NOT walking!”

now they’re laughing “You should get a picture of this whole thing! Still pretty impressive… for a Brit in a Prius”

the other one adds “You must be a good driver now that I see what you MiSSed by your course”

… now, wait a minute, are they still joking with that last bit? Apparently not, since I avoided pedestrians, moving traffic AND a mega HARD WALL!

Then the next two partners arrive from North Wilshire Traffic division, one of these officer is clearly now in charge of the report and documenting; he is VERRRRIEEE serrrriousssss!

“Stick to the FACTS” I hear him tell one of the car owners, he is clearly not interested in the dramatic value of what happened.

As I walk through my account of the accident with this primary officer, he is abrupt and loud and obviously not inclined towards monkey business… well… um… that is until I decide to lighten him up a little (unintentionally at first).

“I’m not deaf you know, do you think the accident impaired my hearing?” I ask.

“What?” he YELLS back.

“There’s no need to SHOUT at me… I can hear you fine”

“I’m not shouting” he SHOUTS back

“Oh I’m sorry, is this just your usual volume of normal speech?” I backtrack (obviously I don’t really want to piss-off the policeman who’s writing the report, duh!)

“Maybe you are just a bit sensitive with your delicate British ears?” the partner officer joins in.

” What makes you think I’m from the UK?” as I speak I realize how every accessory I am wearing is sporting the Union-Jack!

“Bet your underwear has the British flag on it too” continues the policeman.

The crowd has been watching and listening since the awkward “what’s going to happen next” moment of me telling the lead-officer to shut up, basically. Now there’s a snicker and giggle from the crowd…

“Please tell me you were driving on the RIGHT side of the road ma’am…”

“I was till the old-man hit me!”

The crowd liked that one!

Somehow this little comedy act continues back and forth for a few minutes between me and two of LAPD’s finest for a receptive audience made up of people who hit me, who I hit and who’s shit I smashed, their friends and family and a bunch of random joiner-inners. Ah, Hollywood, you have your good days.

The policeman gives me the all clear to leave and I am relieved because my adrenaline is seriously lagging now and the pain is starting to kick in… “You are a really good driver” says the lead-officer “you really handled it with the best possible outcome”.

“try telling the trees that” is my reply as I climb into the tow-truck and exit stage-left.

 

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